I’m suffering from anxiety. I ‘m afraid of my own thoughts, of my future, of my past. It’s often easier for myself to run away than to fight. Easier to turn my face away, than to show you my feelings. I have suffered a lot in the past and I will suffer a lot in the future. This knowledge is something which should push me even more to evolve, to transform, to become stronger. But instead of doing so I prefer to drown in the tangles of sentiments. I just want one moment of peace, of silence. A second freezed to last for hours: some time to rest, to not even move the tip of my toe.
It seems like this is too much to expect. Time moves on in its linear ways. I can’t go backwards and I also can’t stay still, the only movement is forward. While all the people around me are pushing me, hunting me in the arms of my own fate – if there is something like fate. I don’t know who to trust and where to put all my energy in. All the voices are so loud, that I can’t hear my own breath, not to mention my own voice. I’m trapped inside my body, my mind and consciousness, so what is there to believe in? Man forges his own destiny, is what Nietzsche and Camus try to tell me. Become who you are. Everything is absurd – life and death. And how much more absurd are the fears we have as humans? How much more absurd are my own fears? And although I know about my fear it seems unmakeable to not be afraid. To live in fear is like you don’t live at all, isn’t it?
I’m seeing myself standing on a huge square, with lots and lots of people around me, bustling around to solve their own problems while I can’t make a move. It’s hard to breath, it’s hard to talk, it’s hard to do the first step. We must be brave and be our own lights even during the darkest hours. The only thing you know is you. The only person you need to maintain for your life is you. But what do you want? What is your life all about? The goals we have in life are often seen as something which we need to achieve as soon as possible or to be more precisely the sooner the better. But shouldn’t life be lived slow? What comes after you reached your goals? How do you plan to close that big hole when you get there? It’s all about living in the moment and to take the memories along. But the pressure is huge. Am I missing out on something? Do I enjoy this moment as much as I possibly can? Am I allowed to be sad when I should be in the moment? Maybe it’s more about being with all your heart: be happy, be sad, be angry, be crazy, be afraid – but at least be something. Create yourself, be yourself. Also, if it’s in my case to be afraid. And in the end maybe I will not know my fear anymore, but myself. The journey is the destination. The journey is what it’s all about…
Hope you enjoyed reading some new thoughts!
Lots of love,
Top. & Other Stories.
Bag. J.W. Anderson.